Positive Black Love : Gaining & Maintaining
I know some of us have given up hope especially since we are young and see the relationships or situationships of those shown the loudest on the internet like Blueface and Chrisean but the truth sometimes goes unnoticed. Positive black love can be seen even on social media if you actually look for it and stop looking for some of the toxic people who show you what love ain’t. If you carry yourself well and follow the ways of those who show you what it is, then you’ll have no real problems with finding it and it’s our duty to understand the importance of showcasing it louder than the bad ones. I’m going to give you some examples of positive black love and why it’s important to keep its existence going.
I’m sure some are wondering why I added “positive” on the front of black love. I had to because there are people in this world that are black and in love but the relationship is way too negative and toxic for me to consider it love. So I wanted to make sure I set a distinction.
Positive Black Love can be seen between couples like Denzel & Pauletta Washington, Cam(ron) & Erin (@ErinOnDemand), Jonathan & Simone (Biles) Owens, Courtney B. & Angela Bassett- Vance, Barack & Michelle Obama, Russell & Ciara Wilson, Ossie & Ruby Dee Davis, Malcolm (X) & Betty Shabazz, Boris & Nicole Ari (Parker) Kodjoe, Flex & Shanice (Wilson) Alexander, Samuel L. & LaTanya (Richardson) Jackson, Rodney & Holly (Robinson) Peete, Skyh Alvester & KJ (Smith) Black, Idris & Sabrina Elba, Sterling K. & Ryan Michelle (Bathe) Brown, and the dearly departed relationship of Michael Jordan & Lori Harvey.
Now of course I’m “just a teen” though I am for sure that while no relationship has been perfect, these relationships haven’t been detrimental to the forward life of one another. I have been watching alotta these relationship growing up and also in the last few years and I think I have figured out the formula by listening to their wisdom and watching their actions. So here are 10 tips on getting, maintaining, and sustaining positive black love!
- BEING YOKED : Define your relationship goals and milestones. If your core values seem equally yoked at least 80%, then you could be on a good start because no couple is 100% equally yoked. Now if there are some hard nos and things you hate or just really can’t stand then let them go. 80% is no good when part of the 20% could make you not stand the person and start to feel like you settled and unhappy. Now while you’re exploring factors that are important about a person, don’t forget to make sure you have a collective vision in areas that are important to your relationship, too. Gotta make sure you both understand you all are a team with personal goals and overall relationship milestones.
- HAVING RESPECT : Appreciate each other’s differences that you can deal with and don’t bother you. You don’t have to like everything they do but make sure you don’t disrespect their differences. For instance, if you don’t like sports and your mate does, don’t disrespect their moments while watching the game…don’t try to complain about them going to the games…etc. We all have our unique ways and love the things we do…we would definitely hate if a person came into our lives saying they want to love us and get married yet they’re belittling stuff we hold dear.
- TALKING OFTEN : I heard so often that “communication is key to a successful relationship”. I can see how important that is because it’s crucial for understanding each other, effectively creating solutions, and allowing a safe haven for each other. I know my generation don’t talk often though we got to get back to talking about feelings and also talking about situations or issues that make us feel uncomfortable, unappreciated, and disrespected.
- EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION : Debating is not the same as communicating. Don’t slip on art of having a dialogue with someone otherwise trying to take the debating approach will only cause arguments, division, and hurt feelings. If you feel the conversation may be taking a turn, immediately and gently say…”I love you.” It should bring both of you to a reset that calms you both down and reevaluate the situation more rationally.
- FINANCIAL PEACE : Reports have shown that a lot of relationships, including marriages, split because of financial unrest. Now I’m not going to say that I believe people have to be in the same financial bracket, but I will say that I believe people should have the same financial soundness/peace. For example, if a man makes 6 figures and he’s good at maintaining them then he meets a woman who makes $35k and she’s good at maintaining it then they aren’t going to have a hard time with finances in their relationship UNLESS someone is behaving unfavorable about who makes what. Both jealousy and contempt is bad for a relationship. If your partner makes less, don’t be randomly petty about it. If your partner makes more, then be happy for them when great things are happening in their career. I hear a lot of successful relationships celebrate the small wins just as much as they celebrate the big wins.
- BOND OFTEN : As I mentioned before, it doesn’t seem to matter that you and the person you’re dating loves all the same things or not. However, it does matter that you find moments to bond with each other every week. You don’t ever want to feel uninvolved or unattached to your mate and you don’t want them feeling that about you either. Plan an opportunity to do things you both like. Heck, you can even get out your (reasonable) comfort zone and try things your mate likes even though you don’t like it like going to an art gallery or a sports game. When couples explore things together, it does something for their energy field. So stay constructively curious so that you can learn and grow together and never stop investing in the connection of your relationship.
- BE RESPECTFUL : This term comes in several forms and it requires patience and thoughtfulness. Don’t trip about simple things and don’t do things without fully making sure you’ve thought of the feelings of your mate. Your goal is to have as little friction as possible. You don’t have to walk on eggshells though if you know your mate dislikes something, why do it? If your mate felt hurt by something you did, why disregard it and push it off like it wasn’t a big deal or wasn’t so bad. Give grace and have gratitude. Relationships aren’t perfect. They will meet a challenge or few but successful couples are willing to work through them together which could include compromising, seeking solutions, and communicating effectively during difficult times.
- SPACEGATE : I’ve heard some people say that them and their mate do everything together and it’s crazy not to do so. This is a scandalous thought to place upon everyone. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. You can love one another and still appreciate some time alone or time without them while you are hanging with a friend or family member.
- BE SPONTANEOUS : When I first heard this, I was thinking about what they say/show what spontaneous means on tv but when I hear it from successful couples, they are speaking about more than lighting candles and introducing new things to the bedroom. They are talking about random moments of being silly…having a romantic dinner somewhere secluded from others…going out doing something your mate loves to do; even if you don’t care for it…taking surprise trips…giving random gifts…etc.
- HAVE FAITH : If you don’t believe in love, how can you create a successful and fulfilling relationship? You have to be faithful to love and believe that you are both worthy of it, can receive it, and can give it. You have to believe in potential of growth, happiness, and longevity in your journey towards love.
Now that I’ve done the research and broke it down for you all, I’m going to tell you why it’s important. Black Love challenges the narrative and dismantles the negative stereotypes that have historically perpetuated the devaluation of our people. In society, even now today, black love is often portrayed as inferior, a myth, a fairytale, or dysfunctional. Though when black love is portrayed in a more common and positive light then it’s a powerful act of resistance and you can tell people long for its representation. I can tell within how a lot of people, older than me, tend to mention the same movies as their favorite love stories or love story moments. It affirms the beauty, strength, and resilience of black relationships, showcasing the depth of love, commitment, and support that exists within the black community.
Black love serves as a source of inspiration and empowerment. it provides a positive representation of what it is to have a healthy, loving relationship within the black community, which is essential for us to see and aspire to have. Black love demonstrates the importance of mutual respect, communication, and emotional support that brings about unity and solidarity. By celebrating black love, we can combat the negativity of stereotypes that are imposed on our relationships and create a space for healing, growth, and empowerment within our communities. We can create a more inclusive and equitable society that recognizes and appreciates the beauty and strength of all types of love.
— AlonaLeoine
